Sunday, July 13, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
different kind of slaves and their submission
Types of Submission
By Diane Vera and published in The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, edited by Pat Califia, from Lace/Alyson Press, Boston, 1988, reissued 1990 (still in print).
Within the S/M subculture, different people use the words "submissive and slave" to mean many different things. When submissives say "I want to be your slave," sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional dominants routinely refer to their (usually not very genuinely submissive clients) as "slaves." At the other extreme, there are people who want to be full-time personal servants, and who truly want to exist solely for their Dom(me)'s use, pleasure and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes.
1. THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST.
Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).
2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE.
Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.
3. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE.
Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).
4. TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE.
Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct/pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
5. TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE.
Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant-but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May/may not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.
6. UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE.
Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.
7. PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE.
Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominant's property at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.
8. FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE.
Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially of the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.
9. CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS.
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.
Copyright 1984 and 1988, Diane Vera
By Diane Vera and published in The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, edited by Pat Califia, from Lace/Alyson Press, Boston, 1988, reissued 1990 (still in print).
Within the S/M subculture, different people use the words "submissive and slave" to mean many different things. When submissives say "I want to be your slave," sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional dominants routinely refer to their (usually not very genuinely submissive clients) as "slaves." At the other extreme, there are people who want to be full-time personal servants, and who truly want to exist solely for their Dom(me)'s use, pleasure and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes.
1. THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST.
Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).
2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE.
Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.
3. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE.
Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).
4. TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE.
Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct/pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
5. TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE.
Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant-but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May/may not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.
6. UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE.
Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.
7. PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE.
Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominant's property at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.
8. FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE.
Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially of the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.
9. CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS.
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.
Copyright 1984 and 1988, Diane Vera
3 kind of punishments
If it's not your intention to prolong your submissive's discomfort -- and if it's an honest mistake, it shouldn't be -- make it clear that you think the matter is closed and there will be no further discipline necessary. Ideally my submissive has a sincere desire to serve me well -- in which case punishing for an honest mistake is unwarranted. If the submissive is not sincere then we're not a good match for anything -- outside of casual play.
Punishment as discipline Some people think punishment is essential to a D/s relationship. Personally I don't care for punishment -- outside of "erotic torture," role playing, or scene play. I think BDSM is for mutual enjoyment and a sub -- masochistic or otherwise -- will not enjoy true punishment. (If the sub does enjoy the punishment then it's really not punishment, is it?)
Punishment or ritual for closure: being cruel to be kind. In her workshop on ritual, Mistress Constance points out that punishment can be for benefit of the sub's well being. When your sub is distraught over his failure and it's not enough for him that you think the matter is closed, it would be in his interest to absolve his failure though a ritual or act of discipline. If the ritual absolution is not enough, decide upon an unpleasant consequence: either restrict him from something he does enjoy such as body worship or sentence him to a duty or an activity he dislikes such as flogging him with the nasty rubber flogger he hates.
Punishment as play. Punishment can be a game where the infraction is inconsequential and you use it as an excuse for an activity that you both enjoy. "You naughty little boy!" you might say. "I caught you peeking and now you'll have to massage my feet." It's important that you both recognize this for what it is and you both enjoy this type of play.
Punishment as discipline Some people think punishment is essential to a D/s relationship. Personally I don't care for punishment -- outside of "erotic torture," role playing, or scene play. I think BDSM is for mutual enjoyment and a sub -- masochistic or otherwise -- will not enjoy true punishment. (If the sub does enjoy the punishment then it's really not punishment, is it?)
Punishment or ritual for closure: being cruel to be kind. In her workshop on ritual, Mistress Constance points out that punishment can be for benefit of the sub's well being. When your sub is distraught over his failure and it's not enough for him that you think the matter is closed, it would be in his interest to absolve his failure though a ritual or act of discipline. If the ritual absolution is not enough, decide upon an unpleasant consequence: either restrict him from something he does enjoy such as body worship or sentence him to a duty or an activity he dislikes such as flogging him with the nasty rubber flogger he hates.
Punishment as play. Punishment can be a game where the infraction is inconsequential and you use it as an excuse for an activity that you both enjoy. "You naughty little boy!" you might say. "I caught you peeking and now you'll have to massage my feet." It's important that you both recognize this for what it is and you both enjoy this type of play.
When to punish or not....
The Issue of Punishment: Be consistent and resolute, firm but even-tempered. Your sub may test your limits and resolve -- intentionally or -- more likely -- unintentionally. So if you establish rules, be prepared to enforce them. Which brings up the questions: How do you enforce your rules? Do you punish your submissive? I have four perspectives for you to consider.
You can enforce the rules without punishment. When your sub does something wrong or omits performing a duty, acknowledge it swiftly. For example:
"I thought we agreed that you would always open doors for me."
"I notice you didn't stand when I came to the table."
"Why didn't you pull out my chair for me?"
"Did you forget something?"
It's a matter of taste and style but I handle a sub's errors this way:
I mention the omission
We discus it briefly
Why did she fail?
Is it excusable?
Should the rule be changed?
Is there something different that we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again?
When appropriate she apologizes and tells me she won't do it again
3. I resolve the issue
4. We move on.
It's been my experience that just noting these lapses is more than adequate punishment for a sincere submissive. There's no reason to be overly disappointed, confrontational, or punitive when mentioning these lapses. Don't embarrass your sub in public. He should feel bad enough about it. On the other hand ignoring these lapses will disappoint your submissive. They'll feel you're not invested enough to pay attention.
You can enforce the rules without punishment. When your sub does something wrong or omits performing a duty, acknowledge it swiftly. For example:
"I thought we agreed that you would always open doors for me."
"I notice you didn't stand when I came to the table."
"Why didn't you pull out my chair for me?"
"Did you forget something?"
It's a matter of taste and style but I handle a sub's errors this way:
I mention the omission
We discus it briefly
Why did she fail?
Is it excusable?
Should the rule be changed?
Is there something different that we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again?
When appropriate she apologizes and tells me she won't do it again
3. I resolve the issue
4. We move on.
It's been my experience that just noting these lapses is more than adequate punishment for a sincere submissive. There's no reason to be overly disappointed, confrontational, or punitive when mentioning these lapses. Don't embarrass your sub in public. He should feel bad enough about it. On the other hand ignoring these lapses will disappoint your submissive. They'll feel you're not invested enough to pay attention.
What is S.A.M.????
The problem arises when the domme is serious about being obeyed and her sub is not.
He might be a brat or S.A.M. -- a "smart assed masochist." S.A.M.s are not truly submissive but they pretend to be because they think that's "how the game is played". The S.A.M. will find a domme, "submit" to her for a while, and then disobey and disrespect her in order to get punished. That's fine as long as that game is acceptable to you both and you're not concerned how your relationship appears to others in the scene.
Personally I prefer the direct approach. If someone wants me to flog them into subspace, they should just ask. I call that play. I find S.A.M. behavior disrespectful. But if you're a sadist and enjoy playing the firm disciplinarian, you might want a S.A.M.
BTW, bratty behavior is often unacceptable in the BDSM scene but in the spanking scene -- where it's always about play and never about D/s -- bratty activity is quite common and indulged. Don't get offended if someone "brats" you at a spanking party. He's just being playful.
He might be a brat or S.A.M. -- a "smart assed masochist." S.A.M.s are not truly submissive but they pretend to be because they think that's "how the game is played". The S.A.M. will find a domme, "submit" to her for a while, and then disobey and disrespect her in order to get punished. That's fine as long as that game is acceptable to you both and you're not concerned how your relationship appears to others in the scene.
Personally I prefer the direct approach. If someone wants me to flog them into subspace, they should just ask. I call that play. I find S.A.M. behavior disrespectful. But if you're a sadist and enjoy playing the firm disciplinarian, you might want a S.A.M.
BTW, bratty behavior is often unacceptable in the BDSM scene but in the spanking scene -- where it's always about play and never about D/s -- bratty activity is quite common and indulged. Don't get offended if someone "brats" you at a spanking party. He's just being playful.
The code of SSC:
SSC - stands for Safe, Sane, & Consentual. The wide spread concept that ALL responsible BDSM interactions & relationships MUST be Safe, Sane & Consentual:
Safe - The risks are reasonably estimated, and have been reduced as far as is consistent with achieving the effect sought by all parties involved.
Sane - Each participant is sufficiently aware, & understands the consequences (and potential consequences) of his/her decisions.
Consentual - What happens is what all participants freely agreed to, and is done pursuant to the wants of all the participants.
RACK (Risk Aware Consentual Kink):
A newer term, Many people in the BDSM community have been adopting the “RACK” concept over SSC because they feel it is a more realistic guideline. The argument for this is, “Not everything we do in BDSM is totally SAFE, only different levels of RISK.”& “The concept of SANE is a relative term.”
Safe - The risks are reasonably estimated, and have been reduced as far as is consistent with achieving the effect sought by all parties involved.
Sane - Each participant is sufficiently aware, & understands the consequences (and potential consequences) of his/her decisions.
Consentual - What happens is what all participants freely agreed to, and is done pursuant to the wants of all the participants.
RACK (Risk Aware Consentual Kink):
A newer term, Many people in the BDSM community have been adopting the “RACK” concept over SSC because they feel it is a more realistic guideline. The argument for this is, “Not everything we do in BDSM is totally SAFE, only different levels of RISK.”& “The concept of SANE is a relative term.”
What BDSM means?
What BDSM means?
BDSM is a word composed from the following abbreviations: B&D (Bondage & Discipline), D/s (Dominance & submission) and S&M (Sadism & Masochism). It means, that it can cover a play, where heavy pain is inflicted or tight bondage is applied or where one person drive another. There is one sign common for all three: there is at least one person, who lead the scene (called top, Dom,Domme, Dominant, Sir, Master or Mistress ), and at least one person, who is controlled (called bottom, sub, submissive or slave ).
Bondage & Discipline – Physical control & enabling the bottom through bondage , humiliation and corporal punishment are used to control the behavior of the bottom. The top forces the bottom through applying different forms of dominating, physical control & behavioral correction techniques to achieve certain goals through the given rules. If these are broken, then punishment takes a place. Punishment can be in many forms, mental or physical. Role playing such as parents/children, teacher/student can also be used.
Dominance & submission - This is the basic process of power exchange as the top dominates the bottom. BD & SM are many times used in part as a tool to achieve D/s.
Sadism & Masochism - pain is involved. The masochist directly or inadvertently likes to receive pain, the sadist likes to directly or inadvertently inflict pain.
BDSM can be a lifestyle, it can be a favorite game regularly played with a partner, or it can be something what would be never understand by some. Most people in the BDSM community say, that erotic power exchange is one of the most sensual things you can experience. I can't say, if it is true for everybody, but it is surely for me.
BDSM is a word composed from the following abbreviations: B&D (Bondage & Discipline), D/s (Dominance & submission) and S&M (Sadism & Masochism). It means, that it can cover a play, where heavy pain is inflicted or tight bondage is applied or where one person drive another. There is one sign common for all three: there is at least one person, who lead the scene (called top, Dom,Domme, Dominant, Sir, Master or Mistress ), and at least one person, who is controlled (called bottom, sub, submissive or slave ).
Bondage & Discipline – Physical control & enabling the bottom through bondage , humiliation and corporal punishment are used to control the behavior of the bottom. The top forces the bottom through applying different forms of dominating, physical control & behavioral correction techniques to achieve certain goals through the given rules. If these are broken, then punishment takes a place. Punishment can be in many forms, mental or physical. Role playing such as parents/children, teacher/student can also be used.
Dominance & submission - This is the basic process of power exchange as the top dominates the bottom. BD & SM are many times used in part as a tool to achieve D/s.
Sadism & Masochism - pain is involved. The masochist directly or inadvertently likes to receive pain, the sadist likes to directly or inadvertently inflict pain.
BDSM can be a lifestyle, it can be a favorite game regularly played with a partner, or it can be something what would be never understand by some. Most people in the BDSM community say, that erotic power exchange is one of the most sensual things you can experience. I can't say, if it is true for everybody, but it is surely for me.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
based on Trust
In order for power to be given and received, there must be trust. This is true even in S&M scenes, since the SUB must trust the Dom-me to understand their limits, and the Dom-me must trust the SUB to articulate those limits. In D/s, people are dealing with powerexchanges and denpendancies that demands quantities that go far beyond what you may place in other situations in life.
Once the Submissive's trust is given, she/he will discover that it has suddenly freed her/him from the need to protect herself/himself, from the need to put a lid on her/his self-expression, and from the need to armor her/his heart when she/he is with her/his Dom-me.
What is it.....power exchange?
In BDSM as well in Gor, the term power exchange is associated with a submissive exchanging his or her authority to make decisions(whether just for a scene, or for his or her entire life), the Dominant's agreement to take responibility for his/her happiness and health.
On a psychological level, much BDSM"Play" involves power and dominance, in particular power exchange, with one person willingly handing over person autonomy. this can range from addressing another person as "master" or "mistress" for ten-minute scene, to a witnesses, formal collaring with a lifelong agreement which micro- manages the submissive's life.
The latter is often referred to as total power exchange or TPE or 24/7 or 24/7365
In "safe, sane and consentual" BDSM, power exchange is always negotiated. before play, the participants would discuss their physical and phychological limitations, establish safewords and work out what will happen.
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